Neurodivergent Artist, Designer & Mental Health Awareness Advocate

/ holding_on_anyway /

Working through depression doesn’t end with treatment — it just changes the shape of the struggle.

Working through depression doesn’t end with treatment — it just changes the shape of the struggle.

Some days it’s still hard to move, to make anything, or even to see the …point.
But I’m trying to be more intentional. More gentle. Less edited. Just… more real.

In this episode of Holding On, Anyway, I explore:

– what it’s been like starting ketamine treatment, and why my depression didn’t simply vanish
– how guilt over not making more videos was quietly crushing me
– why I’m rethinking how I show up here: less polish, less bullshit, more raw honesty

For over four decades, I’ve lived with major depression, suicidal ideation, and the hard work of simply staying.

This episode is just another piece of that — building the plane as I fly it, one small story at a time.

If you’ve ever said “I’m still figuring it all out,” this episode is for you.

You’re not alone. I’m glad you’re here.

⸻

If this resonates, please like & subscribe + share
Your support helps this message reach others who feel invisible.

Share your story or message in the comments.
I read them, and they help this space stay real and alive.

⸻

📌 Chapters

00:00 Intro — It’s Been A Few Weeks
00:10 Starting ketamine, and why it’s strange
00:25 Trying to be intentional with my time
00:42 Guilt for not making more videos
01:06 Still figuring it all out — building the plane
01:15 Changing how I share: less polish, more real
01:37 Finding out all I need is me
01:50 The matrix, heartbreak, and moving forward
02:17 Closing — thanks for being here

⸻

Does this resonate?

If you’ve carried this kind of pain, I’d be honored to hear from you below.
Your words help others feel less alone.

⸻

Related Playlist

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9

⸻

🆘 Mental Health Resources

If you’re in crisis or need someone to talk to, you’re not alone. I can say from experience there are people who can help — and they can meet you where you’re at.

– U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (I’ve personally used this. They care, and more importantly — they’ll listen.)
– NAMI (U.S.): https://nami.org/
– Global Help: https://findahelpline.com/

⸻

Visual Licensing & Credits

©2025 Bert Mahoney for original work. AI visuals (both still and moving) used under Fair Use.

AI has helped me share my stories.

⸻

🔖 Tags

#depression #mentalhealthawareness #ketaminetreatment #holdingonanyway #emotionalpain #selfcare #healingjourney #lessbullshit #realstories #youarenotalone #howtosurvivedepression #rawmentalhealth

⸻

Watch more honest stories of survival and silence in the Holding On, Anyway playlist:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9Show More

Working through depression doesn’t end with treatment — it just changes the shape of the struggle.

Working through depression doesn’t end with treatment — it just …

No one says, "The Work Isn’t Finished — And That’s Okay"

Surviving depression when the pain fades… but the healing isn’t …

Surviving depression when the pain fades… but the healing isn’t finished.

Sometimes, the hardest part isn’t the crisis — it’s everything that comes after.

In this episode of *Holding On, Anyway*, I …explore:

– The quiet grief of becoming someone new
– The loneliness of feeling like you should “be better by now”
– Why unfinished healing is still valid healing

For decades, I’ve lived with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation.

This episode is a reflection on what it means to keep going — not because it’s fixed, but because *you’re still here*.

⸻

💬 If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why aren’t I better yet?” — this episode is for you.

You’re not broken. I’m glad you’re here.

⸻

🙏 If this resonates, please like & subscribe.

Your support helps this message reach others who feel invisible.

💬 Share your story or message in the comments.

I read them all, and they help this space stay real and alive.

⸻

📌 Chapters

00:00 Intro — The Hidden Part of Survival
00:42 When Everyone Thinks You’re Fine
02:15 The Grief of Becoming Someone New
04:20 Living With What’s Unfinished
06:10 Still Hurting, Still Healing
08:00 You’re Still Here — And That’s Enough
09:30 Final Thoughts & Gratitude

⸻

💬 Does this resonate?

If you’ve carried this kind of quiet pain, I’d be honored to hear from you below. Your words help others feel less alone.

⸻

▶️ Related Playlist

Watch more honest stories of survival and silence in the Holding On, Anyway playlist:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9

⸻

🆘 Mental Health Resources

If you’re in crisis or need someone to talk to, you’re not alone.

– U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
– NAMI (U.S.): https://nami.org/
– Global Help: https://findahelpline.com/

⸻

🎵 Music & Licensing

Intro: “Piano loops 120” by josefpres → https://freesound.org/s/760421/
Outro: “Lo-fi loop.wav” by CollectionOfMemories → https://freesound.org/s/647591/

⸻

📷 Visual Licensing & Credits

Footage from Unsplash, Pexels, Pixabay (Creative Commons).
©2025 Bert Mahoney for original work. AI visuals used under Fair Use.

⸻

🤖 Written with Mika

This story is based on my lived experience and co-crafted with Mika, my AI assistant.

⸻

🔖 Tags

#healing #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stillhurting #invisibleillness #emotionalpain #recoveryjourney #depressionstories #realmentalhealth #holdingonanyway #youarenotalone #grief #healingisntlinearShow More

The Small Things That Keep You Alive During Depression

Surviving depression by holding onto the small things that keep you …

Surviving depression by holding onto the small things that keep you alive.

Sometimes, survival is quiet—a collection of tiny comforts.

In this episode of *Holding On, Anyway*, I explore:

– The simple things that …pulled me through deep depression
– The quiet strength found in everyday moments
– Why tiny comforts can be powerful acts of resilience

For decades, I’ve lived with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation.

This episode is a glimpse into that quiet survival—the ordinary moments that became lifelines.

⸻

💬 If you’ve ever whispered, “I just need something to hold onto,” this episode is for you.

You’re not alone. I’m glad you’re here.

⸻

🙏 If this resonates, please like & subscribe.

Your support helps this message reach others who feel invisible.

💬 Share your story or message in the comments.

I read them all, and they help this space stay real and alive.

⸻

📌 Chapters

00:00 Intro — Surviving Quietly

00:45 When Daily Life Felt Impossible

02:20 Finding Strength in Tiny Moments

04:15 Realizing Small Comforts Matter

06:40 The Resilience of Quiet Survival

08:15 You’re Not Alone in the Quiet

09:30 Final Thoughts & Gratitude

⸻

💬 Does this resonate?

If you’ve carried this kind of quiet pain, I’d be honored to hear from you below. Your words help others feel less alone.

⸻

▶️ Related Playlist

Watch more honest stories of survival and silence in the Holding On, Anyway playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9

⸻

🆘 Mental Health Resources

If you’re in crisis or need someone to talk to, you’re not alone.

– U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988

– NAMI (U.S.): https://nami.org/

– Global Help: https://findahelpline.com/

⸻

🎵 Music & Licensing

Intro: “Piano loops 120” by josefpres → https://freesound.org/s/760421/

Outro: “Lo-fi loop.wav” by CollectionOfMemories → https://freesound.org/s/647591/

⸻

📷 Visual Licensing & Credits

Footage from Unsplash, Pexels, Pixabay (Creative Commons).

©2025 Bert Mahoney for original work. AI visuals used under Fair Use.

⸻

🤖 Written with Mika

This story is based on my lived experience and co-crafted with Mika, my AI assistant.

⸻

🔖 Tags

#suicidalthoughts #depression #mentalhealthawareness #emotionalpain #howtosurvivedepression #realdepressionstories #mentalhealthpodcast #feelinginvisible #youarenotalone #reachingout #holdingonanyway #invisibleillnessShow More

Why Asking for Help Feels Impossible — Even When You’re Drowning

⸻ Why is it so hard to ask for help—especially when you’re dealing …

⸻
Why is it so hard to ask for help—especially when you’re dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts? In this episode of Holding On, Anyway, we explore the mental freeze that …keeps so many of us silent when we need connection the most.

🎧 In this raw mental health podcast episode, I explore:

• What it feels like when someone offers help… and you can’t say yes
• The role of shame, exhaustion, and emotional self-protection
• Why “I’m fine” is often the biggest lie we tell

For 40 years, I’ve lived with depression and suicidal thoughts—not for attention, but out of an aching need for relief. This is a deeply personal look into the fear of connection, the paralysis of despair, and the small sparks that can lead us back to life.

If you’ve ever offered help—or needed it and couldn’t take it—this episode is for you.
You are not a burden. You’re human. You’re not alone.

⸻

🙏 If this resonates, please like & subscribe.
Your support helps this message reach others who feel invisible.

💬 Share your story or message in the comments. I read them all, and they help this space stay real and alive.

⸻

📌 Chapters

00:00 Intro — Holding On, Anyway
00:45 Why Help Feels So Far Away
02:20 Shame + Exhaustion = Silence
04:15 It’s Not About Pride — It’s Paralysis
05:30 The Bus Stop Metaphor
06:40 What Depression Really Pushes Away
08:15 You’re Not a Burden
09:40 Staying is Still Strength

⸻

▶️ Related Playlist

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9&si=rLxoyutymeOjC4sr

⸻

🆘 Mental Health Resources

If you’re in crisis or need someone to talk to, you’re not alone.

— U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
— NAMI (U.S.): https://nami.org/
— Global Help: https://findahelpline.com/

⸻

🎵 Music & Licensing

Intro: “Piano loops 120” by josefpres → https://freesound.org/s/760421/
Outro: “Lo-fi loop.wav” by CollectionOfMemories → https://freesound.org/s/647591/

⸻

📷 Visual Licensing & Credits

Footage from Unsplash, Pexels, Pixabay (Creative Commons).
©2025 Bert Mahoney for original work. AI visuals used under Fair Use.

⸻

🤖 Written with Mika

This story is based on my lived experience and co-crafted with Mika, my AI assistant.

⸻

Tags:
#askingforhelp #mentalhealth #depressionawareness #suicidalthoughts
#emotionalpain #invisibleillness #mentalhealthpodcast
#survivingdepression #youarenotalone #holdingonanyway

⸻
Watch more real stories of surviving depression on the Holding On, Anyway playlist.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9&si=rLxoyutymeOjC4srShow More

It’s Not About Dying — It’s About Escaping the Pain

⸻ What does suicidal ideation actually feel like — when you’re smiling …

⸻
What does suicidal ideation actually feel like — when you’re smiling on the outside but unraveling inside?

In this episode of Holding On, Anyway, I share lived experience with depression, emotional …pain, and masking mental health struggles to appear “fine.”

If you’ve ever felt like no one could see the war inside you — this episode will feel like someone finally does.

You’re not alone. I’m glad you’re here.

—
🙏 If this helped, hit like & subscribe.

Subscribing costs nothing and makes these videos show up for more people. New episodes coming every week.

—
💬 Leave a comment below.

I read them, and your reflections help keep this space human and alive.

—
➡️ This is not therapy advice.

Just my lived experience, shared in case it helps someone else feel a little less alone. There are links below where you can find people who can help. I’ve called, they are really cool and helpful.

—
🧠 Need help?

You’re not alone. Please reach out.
Links to support resources are below.
You matter.

—
📌 Chapters

00:00 Intro: Holding On Anyway
00:45 What Suicidal Thinking *Really* Feels Like
02:30 It’s Not About Dying — It’s About Escaping the Pain
04:50 The Day I Almost Left
05:45 Why I Stay
07:10 What I Wish People Understood
08:20 You Are Not Alone
09:30 Final Thoughts & Gratitude

—–

✨ Have you ever hidden how bad it was? Share below — this space is for us.

—–

▶️ Playlist:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9

—
🎵 Music Licensing

Music for Intro Track: Piano loops 120 efect 3 octave long loop 120 bpm by josefpres
https://freesound.org/s/760421/
License: Creative Commons 0

Music for Outro Track: Lo-fi loop.wav by CollectionOfMemories
https://freesound.org/s/647591/
License: Attribution 4.0

All rights belong to the original composer(s).

—
📷 Visual Licensing

Some footage and imagery used in this episode are licensed for reuse or modification via Creative Commons. Sourced from royalty-free platforms like Pexels, Pixabay, and Unsplash. AI-generated images or video for original use under fair-use policy. If you believe an asset has been misused or misattributed, please contact me and I will address it.

Note: Some video footage and images are ©2025 Bert Mahoney

—
🤖 Made with Mika

This episode was written from my personal lived experience, and with the creative support of Mika, my AI assistant.

—
🆘 Mental Health Support

If you or someone you love is in crisis, please reach out to one of the options below for help.

– U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
– NAMI (U.S.): https://nami.org/
– International helplines: https://findahelpline.com/

—
🔖 Tags:
#depression #mentalhealthawareness #suicidalthoughts #emotionalpain
#howtosurvivedepression #mentalhealthsupport #realdepressionstories
#mentalhealthpodcast #feelinginvisible #survivingdepression
#holdingonanyway #youarenotalone #reachingout #depressionstories
#invisibleillness

⸻
Watch more real stories of surviving depression on the Holding On, Anyway playlist.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9&si=rLxoyutymeOjC4srShow More

The War Between Wanting Help and Pushing It Away — Surviving Depression’s Isolation

⸻ Why do we push help away, even when we’re drowning? This episode of …

⸻
Why do we push help away, even when we’re drowning?

This episode of Holding On, Anyway explores the painful tension between needing connection and feeling unworthy of it — a …common experience for those living with depression, suicidal thoughts, and emotional isolation.

If you’ve ever whispered, “I need help,” and then ignored the message, the call, or the knock at the door… this is for you.

Depression doesn’t just hurt — it isolates.
It tells you you’re a burden.
It convinces you to turn away from the people trying to help.

You are not broken.
You are not weak.
You are human.
And you are not alone.

⸻
🙏 If this resonates, please like & subscribe.
Your support helps this message reach others who feel invisible.

💬 Share your story or message in the comments. I read them all, and they help this space stay real and alive.

👉 Or join others here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9

⸻
➡️ This is not therapy advice.

Just my lived experience, shared in case it helps someone else feel a little less alone. There are links below where you can find people who can help. I’ve called, they are really cool and helpful.

—
📌 Chapters

0:00 Intro — The Split Inside
0:38 The Part of Me That Wanted to Get Better
1:42 The Part That Kept Me Stuck
2:34 Pushing People Away, Even When I Needed Them
3:25 Shame, Silence, and the Loop That Forms
4:28 Fighting With Myself
5:16 The Moment I Almost Asked for Help
6:10 Why I Didn’t
7:02 What Finally Got Through
7:40 When Someone Just Sat With Me
8:24 You’re Not the Only One Fighting This War
9:03 Outro — I’m Glad You’re Still Here

—–

💬 Was there a part of this episode that spoke to you?
Drop a comment below — I’d love to know what hit home.

—–
📷 Visual Licensing
Images and video sourced via Pexels, Unsplash, Pixabay (Creative Commons).
©2025 Bert Mahoney. AI visuals under Fair Use. Contact me for concerns.

🎵 Music Credits
Intro: “Piano loops 120” by josefpres — CC0 License
Outro: “Lo-fi loop.wav” by CollectionOfMemories — Attribution 4.0

⸻

🤖 Made with Mika
This video was written from personal lived experience with help from Mika, my AI assistant.

—
🆘 Mental Health Support

If you or someone you love is in crisis, please reach out to one of the options below for help.

– U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
– NAMI (U.S.): https://nami.org/
– International helplines: https://findahelpline.com/

⸻

🔖 Tags:
#depression #mentalhealthawareness #suicidalthoughts #emotionalisolation #askingforhelp #rawmentalhealth #holdingonanyway #youarenotalone #mentalhealthpodcast #depressionstories #barelybuthere

⸻
Watch more real stories of surviving depression on the Holding On, Anyway playlist.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9&si=rLxoyutymeOjC4srShow More

Living With Suicidal Thoughts (But Not Wanting to Die)

Living with suicidal thoughts—but not wanting to die—is a painful and …

Living with suicidal thoughts—but not wanting to die—is a painful and misunderstood experience shared by many people living with depression. In this raw and honest episode, I talk about surviving …that mental war: how it feels, why it happens, and what keeps me here.

The experience of waking up inside the pain of depression and suicidal ideation — and surviving it.

In this episode, I talk about:

— The difference between wanting to die vs. wanting the pain to stop
— How suicidal ideation can feel like tunnel vision
— Why staying is sometimes an act of courage, not comfort

For four decades, I’ve lived with the kind of thoughts that don’t always want death — just silence, stillness, relief.

This is what it feels like to carry those thoughts through a full life of parenting, partnership, loss, and silence.

If you’ve ever whispered “I just want it to stop” — this episode is for you.

You’re not alone. I’m glad you’re here.

⸻

🙏 If this resonates, please like & subscribe.
Your support helps this message reach others who feel invisible.

⸻

📌 Chapters
00:00 Intro: Holding On Anyway
00:45 What Suicidal Thinking *Really* Feels Like
02:30 It’s Not About Dying — It’s About Escaping the Pain
04:50 The Day I Almost Left
05:45 Why I Stay
07:10 What I Wish People Understood
08:20 You Are Not Alone
09:30 Final Thoughts & Gratitude

⸻

💬 If you’ve ever carried this kind of pain, I’d be honored if you shared below. Your words help others feel less alone.

⸻

➡️ This is not therapy advice.

Just my lived experience, shared in case it helps someone else feel a little less alone. There are links below where you can find people who can help. I’ve called, they are really cool and helpful.

⸻

🧠 Need help?
You’re not alone. Please reach out.
Links to support resources are below.
You matter.

⸻

▶️ Related Playlist
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9&si=rLxoyutymeOjC4sr

⸻

🆘 Mental Health Resources
If you’re in crisis or need someone to talk to, you’re not alone.

— U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
— NAMI (U.S.): https://nami.org/
— Global Help: https://findahelpline.com/

⸻

🎵 Music & Licensing
Intro: “Piano loops 120” by josefpres → https://freesound.org/s/760421/
Outro: “Lo-fi loop.wav” by CollectionOfMemories → https://freesound.org/s/647591/

⸻

📷 Visual Licensing & Credits
Footage from Unsplash, Pexels, Pixabay (Creative Commons).
©2025 Bert Mahoney for original work. AI visuals used under Fair Use.

⸻

🤖 Written with Mika
This story is based on my lived experience and co-crafted with Mika, my AI assistant.

⸻

🔖 Tags:

#suicidalthoughts #mentalhealthawareness #depression
#emotionalpain #howtosurvivedepression #realdepressionstories
#mentalhealthpodcast #feelinginvisible #youarenotalone
#reachingout #holdingonanyway #survivingdepression #invisibleillness

⸻
Watch more real stories of surviving depression on the Holding On, Anyway playlist.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLERtMq5ugZmGu3Z7SH9GPuSLtFyyA24I9&si=rLxoyutymeOjC4srShow More

/ web_log /

How Focus Music Helped Me in a Distracted World
The author shares their struggle with concentration amid constant distractions, describing feelings of frustration and guilt. Discovering MindAmend, with its focus music utilizing isochronic tones, transformed their productivity. This method calms the mind, enhancing focus and emotional clarity. The author emphasizes the importance of consistent practice in achieving meaningful change.
Hello World—2025 Transparent, Fatigued Rebuild Version.
Gratefully Working To Get My Sh×t Together After 15 Years of Depression, Hello! Fifteen years is a long time. Long enough for depression to rewrite every chapter of your life, twist the narrative, and leave… Read more: Hello World—2025 Transparent, Fatigued Rebuild Version.

Current Projects

Modern AI Web Machine

A channel sharing how to build your own AI enhanced e-commerce website platform complete with social media.

Watch on YouTube as I take you through the process of creating an e-commerce website that is an online artwork platform complete with social media accounts—from 0 to 1.

Subscribe and don’t miss out on the drops of wisdom from the past 30 years of working online.

Visit the channel

Holding On, Anyway

A podcast covering the past 30 years online, the future of the web, AI, & drops of wisdom.

Unfiltered conversations on AI, automation, and creativity.
Insights on building a modern web presence with AI-powered tools.
Real-world problem-solving, strategies, client stories, and personal experiences from over 30 years online.
Mental health & the creative process in an AI-driven world

visit Podcast

Bert.ForSale

An artwork platform in the age of AI

With 30 years of experience online, selling my time and valuable skills to others, I’m now “for sale” for myself.

I share stories behind the artwork created from a lifetime of personal experiences, and what influences—internal and external—played a role in its creation.

Visit bert.forsale

Subscribe and don’t miss the good stuff.

Make sure to subscribe to the email list!

It would be a shame to miss all the goodness to be shared.

There will be untold, unscripted wisdom dropped at random—Subscribe.

Bert's art created with AI — mental health artwork — Bert’s art created with AI — mental health artwork

Berchman.com

Insights from 30 Years Online

Neurodivergent Artist, Designer & Mental Health Awareness Advocate

/ holding_on_anyway /

Working through depression doesn’t end with treatment — it just changes the shape of the struggle.

/ web_log /

Current Projects

Modern AI Web Machine

Holding On, Anyway

Bert.ForSale

Subscribe and don’t miss the good stuff.

More STORIES

How Focus Music Helped Me in a Distracted World

Hello World—2025 Transparent, Fatigued Rebuild Version.